


Gravity

by warbreaker



Category: The Evil Within (Video Game)
Genre: Alcohol as a Coping Mechanism, Alternate Universe, Angst, Character Study, Deception, Drunken Kissing, F/M, False Feelings of Solidarity, Pre-Canon, Relationship Study, Self-inflicted Guilt, Sexual Content, slight Manipulation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-14
Updated: 2015-06-19
Packaged: 2018-03-17 19:20:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 13,089
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3541049
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/warbreaker/pseuds/warbreaker
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In the days following Sebastian's disappearance, Juli can't help but feel guilty for her hand in it. She can't stand to see what it's doing to Joseph, but she knows that everything about their own relationship is based on a lie. </p><p>*This fic is now an AU.</p><p>**COMPLETE**</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Gravity

**Author's Note:**

> Fic titled after the song "Gravity" by Sara Bareilles.

She shouldn’t have come here. It was a stupid, impulsive, rash decision spurned on by a strange mixture of guilt, fear, and concern. Juli told herself that she was worried about what Sebastian’s disappearance was doing to Joseph — a worry built entirely on a lie, manifesting in a gesture that was so self-serving and false that it was actually disrespectful.  
  
And yet here she was.  
  
Joseph looked tired and haggard when he answered the door, and any surprise or confusion that he felt about Juli’s impromptu visit was muted at best. It killed her to see him like this. Her partner — if she even had the right to call him that — was always so alert and perceptive. To see him at anything less than his best was absolutely demoralizing.  
  
"Kidman?" he asked. His brow wrinkled slightly in perplexity. "What are you doing here? — Not that you aren’t welcome here. Of course you are. It’s just… You usually give me a heads up first when you’re planning on visiting Hina."  
  
"Well, I’m not here to visit Hina," she said. "I’m here to visit you. I thought that maybe you could use a friend tonight, if you’re feeling up for it. Can I come in?"  
  
The confusion on Joseph’s face became more pronounced, and for a second, Juli was afraid that he might actually turn her away. She watched anxiously as he shifted his weight from foot to foot and readjusted his thick-framed glasses over the bridge of his nose. Eventually, he found his voice again.  
  
"Sure. I’m…" he struggled. He took a few steps back and held the door open for her. "Make yourself at home."  
  
She stepped into his front hall and toed off her shoes as he closed the door behind her. Though she’d been inside this apartment dozens of times before to visit the stray cat that she’d rescued off of the street and given to Joseph to raise, it felt different this time. More personal. Her guilt weighed on her twice as heavily than before as she ruminated on the reason why. This was all her fault.  
  
"I have to admit, I wasn’t expecting company," he said as he turned towards her. "But it means a lot that you’re here. I didn’t think…"  
  
_I didn’t think that you cared_ , she finished for him inside her head.  _I wasn’t supposed to. About you_ or _Sebastian. And you weren’t supposed to care about me. But something got fucked up along the way._  
  
"In any case, I’m glad you came," he concluded.  
  
"Sebastian’s my partner, too," she said. "It’s been lonely in the office without him this past week."  
  
Joseph nodded at her mutely, and the expression on his face told Juli that she’d just made everything twenty times worse by saying that. That horrid feeling of remorse bubbled up inside of her again, cold and dark and corrosive. She really shouldn’t have come here. She’d gotten the clearance from Mobius to do this by telling them that she wanted to get in close to him and keep an eye on him in case he tried to pick up Sebastian’s trail. More lies. At this rate, she was going to lose sight of what the truth actually was.  
  
Silence fell between them, as heavy as the burden she carried.  
  
"Can I get you anything?" Joseph asked suddenly. "Coffee, tea — maybe something a little stronger?"  
  
"What do you have?" she asked.  
  
"I don’t normally keep liquor in the house," he said, "but I picked up a bottle of absinthe on the way home from work today. I know that it’s not typically everyone’s first choice, but it’s something."  
  
The unspoken implications of that were horrifying. Worse yet, the tone in which Joseph spoke said that he was self-aware enough to realize it. Juli’s stomach turned over on itself.  
  
"You were going to drink that alone?" she asked.  
  
"I’m not alone. Hina’s here with me," he said. The joke rang hollow, and the pause that followed was uncomfortable at best. Joseph sighed then, and when he spoke again, the sound of resignation was clear in his voice. "I never said that all of my plans were good ones."  
  
The matter seemed to be closed for discussion after that. He walked past her and into the kitchen, and Juli just let him go. This wasn’t right. God, what had she  _done_  to him? He grabbed two glasses out of the cupboard, and she stepped into the kitchen to take a seat at the table.  
  
"I’ve only ever done absinthe in shots," she said offhandedly.  
  
Joseph immediately stopped what he was doing and turned to give her a stare that was equal parts shocked and concerned.  
  
"Are you crazy?" he asked incredulously. "How are you not  _dead?_ ”  
  
She shrugged at him helplessly.  
  
"Maybe I’ve just never had real absinthe, then," she offered.  
  
Her partner gave a stunned shake of his head and turned his attention back towards the sink. He opened the tap for reasons that Juli didn’t immediately understand, but she also wasn’t invested enough to ask. Instead, she was too distracted by what she saw now that she had the opportunity to really take in the sight of him. Though she’d taken the time to dress down and get comfortable after work, having shown up in an oversized hoodie and yoga pants, Joseph hadn’t bothered. He was still in the same slacks and shirt he’d worn to the office, though he’d ditched his tie, gloves, and waistcoat, and he’d actually bothered to unbutton the top button of his shirt. It was strange, looking at him now. For some reason that she couldn’t quite put her finger on, he looked an awful lot like Sebastian.  
  
Somewhere in the back of her mind, she idly wondered if  _Sebastian_  had ever looked like  _Joseph_  — if he’d ever put the same amount of time and care into his appearance as his partner did, back before Mobius torched his house, killed his daughter, and ruined his life. The thought of it made her feel sick.  
  
The jingle of a tiny bell and a cat’s meow pulled her attention away from those kinds of thoughts. Juli looked down as she saw Hina approaching excitedly, the bell on her red collar tinging with every step she took. Just the sight of her brought a faint smile to Juli’s lips, and she patted her own lap gently to encourage Hina to come take a seat. Hina didn’t even try to hesitate. She jumped up onto the chair and plopped right down atop Juli’s thighs, making herself at home. This was actually part of the reason why Juli had changed into her black yoga pants before coming over here. Hina had the tendency to shed black fur all over her every time she visited, and wearing something dark would mitigate some of that damage.  
  
"Hello, princess," Juli cooed to her affectionately as she petted her head and scratched her behind the ear. "Hey there, sweet girl. Are you taking good care of your dad so that he doesn’t drink himself to death? Hmm?"  
  
Maybe a tasteless comment, but Hina’s only response was to purr loudly and rub her face against Juli’s hand. It was borderline disgusting just how much Juli loved this dumb cat, and it wasn’t even hers. Though she was the one who’d found her and cleaned her up, Hina belonged to Joseph. If he hadn’t taken her, she would’ve gone to a shelter instead. There was no way in hell Mobius would’ve ever let Juli keep her herself. Though, she might not give them the choice to deny her if it came down to it. If things somehow got worse and Mobius had to take Joseph the same way that they’d taken both Sebastian and his wife, then there would be no one to care for Hina.  
  
_I’ll look out for you,_  she promised silently as she pet Hina in long strokes down her back.  _I’ll keep you safe. I’ll keep you_ all _safe, Joseph and Sebastian included. I don’t know how. But I’ll find a way. I’ll make this right._  
  
Joseph turned back around with a glass in each hand, both now halfway full — way more liquid than Juli expected. There was a fond smile on his face as he placed her glass on the table in front of her, giving Hina a brief head scratch once his hand was free. Maybe he hadn’t heard her comment just now, or maybe he just didn’t care. Either way, it was nice to see that he was still capable of smiling. He took a seat at the chair opposite of her, and Juli plucked her glass off of the table with her thumb and middle finger as he settled in.  
  
"You’re  _supposed_  to drink four parts water to one part absinthe,” he said. “There are other ways to prepare it, but this is the least complicated method — short of drinking it straight, of course. Though, I didn’t think that that was quite what either of us was aiming for tonight.”  
  
"Maybe not tonight," she agreed. She eyed her glass for a moment, and then hinged her elbow atop the table and raised her glass towards Joseph. "To Sebastian."  
  
He hesitated, then nodded solemnly.  
  
"To Sebastian."  
  
They clinked their glasses together in a toast, and then both of them took a sip. The absinthe was much sweeter than Juli expected it to be, and far,  _far_  stronger as well. As she pulled her glass away from her lips, she gave the drink a discerning glare. She’d  _definitely_  never had real absinthe before. Hina seemed to share her curiosity, craning her neck upwards to sniff at Juli’s hand and glass. Juli pulled her whole forearm back, out of Hina’s reach.  
  
"No," she fake-scolded in a sing-song voice. "No. This isn’t for you. Only humans are allowed to kill brain cells like this. You can’t have any."  
  
A whisper of a laugh came from Joseph’s side of the table, and the sound of it drew Juli’s gaze. There was something about the way that he was looking at her that warmed her heart, and it dawned on her in that moment that this was a position she’d never been in before. She’d never been at a friend’s house, sharing a drink at their kitchen table. It made her feel very adult, and she wasn’t quite sure what that said about herself. Her teenage years were honestly such a distant blur to her now.  
  
"Maybe we should move over to the couch," Joseph suggested. "It’ll give the three of us a chance to get more comfortable, and Hina will be less of a pain."  
  
Juli nodded once in agreement and gently shooed Hina off of her lap. The cat hummed in annoyed protest, but ultimately had no choice but to comply, and the pads of her feet hit the floor with a soft _thump_.  
  
Once they had settled onto the couch, one glass quickly became two, and hours passed by without Juli even realizing. Joseph told her a thousand different stories from his time being partnered with Sebastian, and if she’d heard them from anyone else, she probably wouldn’t have believed some of them. But Joseph was never one to lie or exaggerate, and everything from the day they’d met to the day of Sebastian’s disappearance seemed to have been a wild ride. Those two weren’t homicide desk for no reason, but Juli’s role in their partnership had been too slight and her time with them too short to truly grasp the full extent of how hard these two men worked for justice, or just how much they cared about one another. It was probably a good thing that the absinthe was going to her head, because chances were that the stories would’ve gone right to her heart and stomach instead. Sebastian was such a good person who didn’t deserve everything that Mobius had done to him. Was still doing to him. Neither did Joseph. And yet the former was being held unconscious and strapped down to a gurney somewhere in the bowels of Beacon Hospital, and the latter was falling to pieces in his guilt and worry.  
  
In Juli’s mind, Joseph had nothing to feel guilty for. He blamed himself for not being attentive or proactive enough, but it wasn’t his fault. One of the first things that Sebastian had taught her during her training as a detective was that the trigger man was the sole person responsible for a crime. Victims never were. Joseph had agreed with him then. Why couldn’t he adhere to that philosophy now? Why couldn’t he see that he carried none of the blame?  
  
As the conversation wound down, the silence that took its place was a comfortable one, and Juli had _never_  been one to feel comfortable with silence before. It was a strange thing, to be sitting here with someone, not speaking but also not minding. Their closeness probably had a lot to do with it. At some point, her head had ended up on his shoulder, and he had an arm wrapped around hers. She cuddled in close to him and rested her crown against the crook of his neck, and he busied himself with slow, gentle caresses of his thumb on her arm. It felt better than it had any real right to — like this was something that was  _supposed_  to happen, when really it was anything but.  
  
"I miss him," Joseph said softly, breaking the silence.  
  
His words reached into her chest and squeezed her heart in a tight fist. The dull ache that it left behind was shockingly familiar — the ache of jealousy and longing for a life that wasn’t hers, and one that she could never have. This moment didn’t belong to her, and she would never know what it was like to experience this in a way that was genuine and not built solely on deception. She would never know what it was like to curl up with Joseph like this daily, to feel so at home in his apartment, on his couch, in his arms. He would never talk about her the way he talked about Sebastian. They would never be partners. They would never be friends. Not for real. And they sure as hell would never be more than that. Until now, she hadn’t even realized that she wanted to be.  
  
But, God, she wanted to be.  
  
"I miss him, too," she returned.  
  
Goddamn it,  _why couldn’t she stop lying to him?_  It would be so easy to tell the truth. It would be so easy to open her mouth right now and tell Joseph that she knew exactly where Sebastian was and what was being done to him. It would be so easy to explain the situation to him, throw herself at his feet, beg for forgiveness, and beg him to help. But that would only make things worse. Just the two of them alone couldn’t take down the far-reaching might of Mobius. The less Joseph knew, the better it was for everyone. She needed to make sure he stayed out of the way, but she didn’t know how.  
  
Juli reached up and idly touched at the buttons of his shirt, fingering his collar and the seams closest to his neck. She couldn’t remember the last time she’d been this close to someone, physically or emotionally — if she ever really had at all. Quick fucks and empty relationships didn’t make for moments like this. It made her realize just how lonely and empty her entire life had been. She had never been much of a romantic, but this was something slightly different from romance. It was intimacy. It was concern and care and comfort. Sebastian and Joseph had been the first two people in her life to ever truly care about her as she was as a person. They didn’t see her as a burden or an asset or something they could exploit, and she felt so safe being with Joseph like this that it almost circled all the way back around into alarming.  
  
And she’d let them down. She didn’t deserve them or any of this. The only reason she’d come here in the first place was to selfishly assuage her own guilt about what she’d had a hand in doing. The only thing she’d accomplished was drinking Joseph’s booze and slowly falling in love with him while she did.  
  
Well. Maybe she could afford to be selfish for just a little while longer. Her hand moved from Joseph’s collar to the back of his neck, and she pulled him down for a kiss. She knew she’d never get another chance.  
  
Much to her surprise, he actually kissed her back. It was soft and sweet and so completely  _Joseph_  that it made her head spin more than the liquor had. He ran his fingers through her hair as she straightened her posture to get a better angle, and when he parted his lips to greet her tongue with his own, it was done with the same kind of precision and care that he took with everything he did in life. Juli could taste the lingering hints of absinthe on his tongue, and she could feel the grief and loneliness that he anchored behind every single kiss.  
  
This was unprofessional. Both from a Mobius standpoint and a KCPD standpoint. In one world, Joseph was her target. In the other, he was her superior. She was still sober enough to know that Joseph wouldn’t have done this if his inhibitions hadn’t been lowered; he took his duties far too seriously to have allowed this to happen, and she’d manipulated him enough to last the rest of both their lives. It killed her to do it — to sever the lifeline between them — but she pulled her lips away from his and lowered her hand back into her own lap. The expression on Joseph’s face was too similar to one of rejection, and Juli turned her eyes downcast to avoid looking at it.  
  
"We’ll find him," she promised. She lied.  
  
She heard him take a deep breath and mutter some kind of a half-hearted agreement. After a moment, he rose to his feet, and Juli couldn’t figure out why it hurt as much as it did.  
  
"We should probably call it a night for now, though," he said. "You’re not planning on driving home, are you?"  
  
"No," she said simply.  
  
"Good," he said. "I wouldn’t have let you, besides. There’s a futon in the spare bedroom. Feel free to make yourself at home, but leave the door cracked so that Hina can get in and out. She usually prefers sleeping with any guests I have rather than me whenever I host one."  
  
Juli nodded, feeling empty.  
  
"Thanks, Joseph," she said.  
  
"If you need anything else, don’t be afraid to come get me," he said. "I mean it. Anything." He paused before adding, "Goodnight."  
  
The way he said that caught her attention, and she raised her eyes to watch as he disappeared into his bedroom. Had he been anyone other than Joseph Oda, she might have thought that that had been an invitation for sex.  
  
But he  _was_  Joseph Oda, so she let that thought go. Stupid feelings. Juli could only hope that they were a temporary side effect of the drink and the guilt, and they’d all go away in the morning. Then she could decide what would be the best course of action to take from there. Taking a breath, she stood up off of the couch and headed towards the guest room, Hina padding along silently beside her. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> dat DLC. You can only imagine how hard I cracked up when I saw that the save point was a black cat, when I'd been writing that Joseph had a black cat for months now. I wanted to explore the significance of the cat to Kidman and also her feelings towards Joseph. That boss fight got pretty personal, don't you think?
> 
> I kind of want to write a second chapter that's just gratuitous sex, but I make no promises.
> 
> Comments and constructive criticism are always welcome. Thanks for reading.


	2. Push

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter titled after and inspired by the song "Push" by Matchbox Twenty.

Juli hadn't realized just how unwell she was feeling until she laid down. The room spun and her head felt like it was floating away from her body. There was no way in hell that she was going to be able to get any sleep like this, and even if she did, she knew that she'd regret it in the morning. Being susceptible to hangovers was one of her least favorite physical limitations.

After about twenty minutes of tossing and turning and trying way too hard to make sense of Joseph's final little offer, Juli rolled off of the futon and landed on her feet. There was no point in just lying there and being physically and emotionally uncomfortable, and Joseph _did_ tell her to make herself at home. Surely he wouldn't mind if she dirtied a glass for a drink of water. Right? Hina lazily lifted her head to glance in Juli's direction as she opened the door, but she settled right back into tired disinterest a second later.

The thought occurred to her maybe a little bit too late that she probably should have put her pants back on before venturing out of the guest room. This wasn't her house, after all, but she was too drunk, tired, and heartsick to give a damn. Her hoodie was long enough to cover her most important parts, and Joseph was likely passed out by now anyway.

Or not.

She heard him before she saw him. The quiet sound of a cupboard closing hit her ears, followed by a muted _clink_ of a glass being placed on the counter top. Juli was ready to smirk and muse about how he'd had the same idea that she did, but a half-second later those little sounds were followed by the light rustling of a paper bag. Something cold and heavy and rotten dropped into the pit of her stomach, and she felt her chest tighten with anxiety.

"Joseph?" she called out.

She'd expected him to jump — to gasp and blush and stammer and feel sheepish about having gotten caught. He did none of those things. He merely glanced over his shoulder at her and sighed, looking defeated. With a shake of his head, he turned his eyes forward again. Juli cautiously stepped further into the kitchen, and she maintained a healthy distance as she came up to stand beside him. The bottle of absinthe had been removed from the brown paper bag that Joseph had brought it home in, though the glass he'd pulled out was still empty — at least for now. Juli gave him a concerned look, but he refused to turn and face her in order to see it. 

From where she was standing, he was almost as a stranger to her now. Dressed down in a pair of pajama pants and a t-shirt, he looked too casual to be Joseph, and in the dim light and without his glasses on, he looked like he could be a different person all together. Had he always had such pronounced crow's feet at his eyes and those stress lines in his brow? They made him look at least ten years older. Juli flicked her eyes back and forth between Joseph's face and the absinthe bottle. She didn't know why she felt nervous. Too many memories of too many nights with too many men who got violent when they drank at night, maybe. Chief among them being her father.

"What have you got there?" she asked quietly.

"Just say it, Kidman," he said. There was a coldness in his voice that she didn't recognize. "I'm pathetic. This is all my fault."

He grabbed the bottle and screwed off the top. As it clattered onto the counter, he held his glass in his now-free hand and went to pour. Juli reached out and grabbed his wrist before he could, pulling it and the glass away from the spout of the bottle before anything had the chance to come out.

"Stop it!" she scolded. Her heart was hammering against her rib cage, but she still wasn't quite sure why. It killed her to see him like this. "What's the matter with you?"

Joseph put the bottle down and finally turned to face her. There was no anger in his eyes. There was only a mild irritation blanketed by a thick layer of grief and self-loathing. It didn't suit him.

"Sebastian's disappearance isn't your fault, Joseph," she went on.

His expression hardened.

"Then whose is it?" he asked.

"The people who took him," she said. "One of the first things that you and Sebastian taught me was that the only person responsible for a crime is the criminal who commits it. So, unless you have him tied up in a closet somewhere, you aren't the person to blame for this."

Joseph let out an annoyed sigh, and Juli tightened her grip on his wrist. She wasn't going to let him pour himself a drink, no matter what he said or did.

 _And why not?_ a tiny voice piped up in the back of her head. _He's a grown man, capable of making his own decisions. What should you care? At least if he drinks himself to death, you won't have to worry about Mobius tossing him into STEM._

 _He's one of two people who's ever given a shit about my personal well-being,_ she argued back, _and right now, he needs_ me _to give a shit about_ him. _I owe him that much. I already let one of them down. I can't let the other down, too._

"Look, Kidman," Joseph started.

"Joseph, just shut the fuck up," she snapped, cutting him off. "I don't really want to hear it. You might just think of me as your rookie, but I _am_ still your partner. Your friend. I'm not here on duty tonight. I'm not here as Kidman tonight, and I'm so fucking sick of being Kid, too. I don't want to be Kid anymore. Tonight, I'm just Juli, and I won't stand here and watch you kill yourself with guilt over something that you didn't even do."

That had been sloppy. Too sloppy. Joseph didn't even know who "Kid" was supposed to be, and he was never supposed to find out, either. All of that pent-up frustration had just needed to _go_ somewhere, and her words had come out like an avalanche, breaking through and rolling over any barriers that she tried to put up. It was too late to take any of it back now, though she supposed she could blame the liquor later if she had to.

 _You're still lying to him,_ that voice piped up again. _You're not his partner. You're not his friend. You're the reason why he's like this in the first place. What good is sympathy and concern if the person offering it is a liar?_

Joseph hesitated, but he eventually relinquished his hold on both the absinthe and the drinking glass, and so Juli let go of his wrist. He twisted the top back onto the bottle before turning to face her again. A sad sigh escaped from his lips, and the remorse he felt was clear on his face.

"You're right," he said. "I need to stop making Sebastian's disappearance all about myself. It isn't about me, and wallowing in self-pity does nothing to help anyone, especially not him. I'm sorry Ki — Juli. I didn't mean to let it go this far, and it wasn't my intention to disrespect you, either. Your feelings are just as valid as mine are."

Of course. Of course he had to apologize. Of course he had to consider her feelings. Of course he had to just go and make this all twenty times worse by being so goddamn _adult_ about it. Why couldn't he have just yelled at her? Why couldn't he have just picked a fight — just called her a bitch and thrown her out of his home? It was stupid shit like this that kept holding her back. This was the reason why both he and Sebastian made her want to be a better person. She shouldn't have wanted to be a good person. She _wasn't_ a good person.

Why did any of this even have to happen in the first place?

"Come on," she said. "Let me tuck you back into bed. We can worry about this in the morning."

He nodded at her mutely, and when she turned to head back towards the bedroom, he followed without protest. Some part of her had to wonder when and how it was that she'd become so protective and nurturing, when her entire life up until now had followed the philosophy of 'every man for himself.' There was probably some bullshit feel-good lesson here about the power of love and friendship, but Juli was too tired to even try to consider what it might be.

Joseph closed the door behind them as they both stepped inside his bedroom, and Juli hesitated. Did he intend for her to stay here throughout the night, or had he just done that out of force of habit? He walked past her unassumingly and took a seat on the edge of the bed, where the sheets had been pulled back and out of the way, and he looked up at her tiredly.

"I'm not sure if I thanked you yet," he said. "But on the chance that I didn't, thank you."

"What are you thanking me for?" she asked.

"Just for being here," he said. "You were right. I did need a friend tonight. I'm not sure what I would have done if you hadn't come over."

"Drunk yourself into a mess that you would've hated cleaning up in the morning, probably," she said.

A faint, sad smile touched at his lips.

"Probably."

Juli headed over towards him and placed a hand on his shoulder. The intention was to encourage him to lie down so that she could tuck him in like she promised, but his hand somehow made it to her face before she could. Joseph gently brushed the backs of his knuckles across the line of her jaw before burying his fingers in her hair line at the base of her skull.

 _Don't,_ she warned herself. _Haven't you betrayed his trust enough already?_

He gave her the tiniest nudge of encouragement forward. Her heart fluttered in his chest at the warmth of his hand and the gentleness of his touch. That look was back in his eyes — that look of fondness and wanting, colored by the undoubted loneliness he must have carried with him. Suddenly, the only thing she wanted in the world was to bring him some kind of comfort and relief — to make him at least _feel_ like everything was going to be okay, even if they both knew that it wasn't.

She was falling. Juli felt herself leaning in towards his advances, and before she could stop herself, she felt her lips press against his.

 _This is a death sentence,_ she scolded herself. _By doing this, you're killing him._

Joseph parted his lips and deepened the kiss, and his mouth and tongue were just as warm and welcoming as they'd been the first time around. A silent sigh of contentment exhaled through his nose and rolled across her cheek as the tiny sounds of kissing filled the room. She crawled into his lap, and he immediately took her into his arms, holding her close.

 _He was as good as dead already,_ she argued back.

With that, she turned off her brain entirely. Instead, she took to focusing on the feeling of Joseph's palms roving over her back, the pressure of his lips against hers, and the taste of his tongue as she greeted it with her own again and again. It was almost mind-blowing, the way he treated her like she was some kind of precious thing worth treasuring — though she honestly didn't know what else she'd expected from him. It wasn't like he was just going to snap and start roughing her up now, after so many months of kindness and concern.

"We shouldn't be doing this," he murmured softly. He pulled away from her only by a fraction of an inch. "It's unethical."

She should've expected that. A muted panic rose up inside her — some horribly vulnerable and sentimental part of her that didn't want to let him go. It wouldn't have been able to take his rejection. Not now. Not after everything.

"Didn't I already say that I wasn't here as Kidman tonight?" she said. "This has nothing to do with the job."

"Unfortunately, that isn't something that you can just turn on and off like a lightswitch," he said. "At the end of the day, I'm still your superior standing officer, and you're still my subordinate and my professional responsibility. Especially now that Sebastian is gone."

"Do you want me to go?" she asked.

He didn't answer her immediately. He rested his hands on her thighs and kept his face close enough to kiss her again, which was encouraging in and of itself. Juli gave his shoulders an affectionate squeeze, then moved her hands to the back of his neck, lacing her fingers together.

"No," he said finally. "I'm so tired of always keeping things hidden away and on lockdown. I can't remember the last time I did something strictly for myself. If this is what you want, too, then... I'd like it if you stayed."

Something about that hit on someplace sensitive deep inside. Joseph was really preaching to the choir here. If only he knew half of the things she kept hidden from him. He'd sooner kill her than kiss her.

That ache in her chest was back. She couldn't dwell on it now.

"It's what I want," she assured him.

She leaned in and kissed him again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This wasn't originally going to be a multichapter fic, but I have a few more ideas that I want to explore between them while I'm at it. :) This won't be my next novel, though.
> 
> I started thinking about how Light Woman (officially named "Shade" according to John Johanas, apparently) was possibly a distorted manifestation of self-reflection that Kidman had in her guilt over betraying Sebastian and Joseph ("Have you ever felt abandoned by the ones you trusted?"), and I kind of felt like that really said something about her relationship with Joseph considering how Shade, you know... kills people... by ripping them apart with what appears to be a giant man-eating vagina. So, here's some angst for you guys.
> 
> Smut coming in the next chapter. In fact, that chapter is going to basically be nothing but smut, so gird your loins. Comments & constructive criticism always welcome. Thank you for reading!


	3. Amaryllis

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter titled after the song "Amaryllis" by Shinedown, whose chorus could not be more fitting for this pairing.

Joseph's bed was way more comfortable than Juli would have ever expected it to be. He'd always struck her as the type to insist on a firm mattress and starched sheets. Those were the kinds of things that she always associated with him: firmness, order, discipline. Thinking back on it now, that was probably unfair of her, even to the point of stereotyping. Joseph wasn't just some stern Japanese father archetype that she'd seen in so many movies; he wasn't a trope to be identified and analyzed simply for her points of discussion — though, from the way Mobius had her speak of him, it was certainly easy to think so.

No, Joseph was a human being — more specifically, Joseph was a _man_ , with all of his own strengths and weaknesses an depths an insecurities. There was nothing firm or stern in him tonight. Nothing orderly or disciplined about the way he nuzzled her ear and jawline with the tip of his nose. There sure as hell was sure nothing fatherly about the way he ran his hands along her bare skin, or the way he pressed his lips against the side of her neck. If only he'd gotten to her about ten years sooner. Maybe then this would have meant something.

She closed her eyes as he wrapped a hand around the bend of her knee and held her legs open a little wider. He was gentle with his movements, just as he had been since the beginning of the night. Gentle and patient and considerate, and his touches were soft, just like his mattress. Now that she was thinking on it, those were some of the other traits she'd always associated with him, too, but they were so much less prominent than the others. More hidden — as though Joseph was afraid that he'd get walked over or stepped on if he displayed anything less than the normal hardness he wore draped around himself at the office. Sebastian had been the same way.

_Had been?_ she repeated silently in her head. She then corrected: _Is. He_ is _like that. Start thinking about him in the past tense, and it's already over._

She huffed audibly and rolled her head to the side, strengthening her grip on Joseph's shoulder and back. His skin was heated and the toned muscles underneath made it easy for her to hold on, and the wordless invitations that he gave her with every inch of his body language made her want to never let him go. He brushed his fingertips along the curve of her cheek and coaxed her into face him again, catching her lips in a hasty, lustful kiss. The tip of his manhood brushed against her most sensitive area, and she sucked in a sharp breath through her nose in excitement. She was already soaking wet an aching for him; her body knew exactly what it wanted, even if she'd been checked out mentally for most of their time together. Part of her felt guilty about it, but she didn't know why she couldn't focus.

"Ready?" he asked quietly. Polite and considerate, even now.

"Yeah," she breathed back.

He reached between them both in order to grab a hold of himself, and he slowly guided his achingly hard cock inside of her. Her body accepted him like he belonged there, and though the initial shock of being penetrated made her breath catch, it also soothed an ache that she hadn't even known she'd had. Juli sounded off in a high-pitched moan at the sensation of being filled, able to feel every single inch as it entered her, and then let out another when Joseph pressed a kiss against the pulse of her neck.

Time an direction sort of fell away from her after that. Joseph straightened his posture into a kneeling position as he began to slowly rock his hips back and forth against hers at a careful, methodical pace. She felt his hands on her, roving across her hips, lower tummy, and the curve of her sides. Physically, it felt good. Her entire body began to light up from the little sparks he set off with every controlled, precise movement, and the sheer friction of intercourse made her head swim. She could hear her own voice filling the room, accented by the quiet squeaking of the mattress springs and the slight rustling of sheets.

Licking her lips and taking a deep breath through her nose, Juli rolled her head to the side. The dim light from Joseph's bedside lamp bathed the entire room in a cold yellow light, causing unnatural shadows to stretch across the walls and drape over the furniture. Just looking at them, she had to wonder what time of night it was. It wasn't that she was uninterested in what was happening right now, it was just...

Joseph huffed out a whisper of a laugh and slowed his hips to a stop, and Juli glanced up at him. There were tiny beads of sweat gathered at his hair line, and his brow was creased in his concentration. Sweating, naked, hair loose, glasses off — it was a good look for him. So many other women would've probably killed to be where she was now, and here she was wondering about the time.

"Sounds like you've had some bad relationships," he said.

It was hard for her to determine the expression that came over her own face then. She turned to look at him fully, trying to parse through what he'd just said. The sheer timing of it had caught her off guard. It was almost like he'd been reading her thoughts.

"What?" was all she managed as a response.

He breathed out another light, breathy chuckle. Juli wasn't sure when she'd missed the joke.

"Just relax," he told her. "Let it come to you naturally. I won't be offended. It's not a race."

Her mouth fell open, but no words came out. If her heart hadn't been beating so quickly, it might have spared some extra blood to her cheeks for a sheepish blush. He'd caught her. Stupid her for thinking that she could fool a detective, especially one as observant and meticulous as Joseph. Every single little sound that had passed her lips up until this point had just been an obligatory reflex — something that she'd gotten used to doing during sex while her mind traveled elsewhere. She didn't know why she did it. Neither her brain nor her heart wanted to deal with the hassle of intimacy, maybe. Or maybe she just automatically assumed that no man was ever going to make concessions for her needs, either way.

"I don't..." she stammered, but she had no conclusion to that thought.

Joseph merely _shh_ ed her softly and leaned down to hover over her, catching her lips in another breathless kiss. Juli's eyes slid closed as she kissed him back, not understanding where this sudden flutter of anxiety had come from. His hips were moving again, and he fucked her slowly, gently — almost in time with the kiss they shared. It was one that was imperfect and short-lived, but something about it had felt so much more intensely personal than all of the others. He pulled away only half an inch and nuzzled the side of his nose against hers. He grabbed her right hand with his left and wove his fingers between hers, pinning the back of her hand against the bed.

"Just breathe with me," he whispered.

Breathing was about all that she _could_ do. In this new position, she couldn't ignore Joseph's closeness. She was forced to share his air and exist in his space. She could feel the muscles of his abs relax and contract with every pointed thrust of his hips into hers. It was an overload of intimacy after a lifetime of going without, and Juli couldn't disengage.

"Joseph..." she struggled to say. Again, there was no end to that sentence.

He hummed at her thoughtfully and responded with a quick kiss to her lips — a peck that felt almost chaste in comparison to everything else that was happening. She reached up and touched her fingertips to his cheek before moving around to the back of his head to give a firm tug at his hair. There was heat radiating from his body, and every gusting breath that rolled over her neck, breasts, and stomach seemed to fall in perfect timing with the way he fucked her. The friction from this slower pace was agonizing now that she was forced to focus on it.

Juli felt Joseph smile, though she couldn't see it in such proximity.

"Better?" he asked.

"Yeah."

They built up a rhythm together, and Juli didn't even realize that she'd stopped counting the seconds. She was too distracted by how fucking _good_ it all felt and how unbelievably attentive he was to every signal she gave. Just when she thought she wanted something more, something faster, something harder, Joseph was already there to meet her unspoken demands. As it turned out, she wasn't very vocal at all when she was legitimately enjoying herself, and the only sounds to be heard were those of heavy breathing and the creaking of the bed frame — two things she barely even heard over the pounding of her pulse between her ears. Joseph grunted and shifted his weight slightly, curling a hand around the top of the headboard in order to keep it from banging against the wall. It put him in the perfect position above her for her to watch him.

Her head was spinning. Every one of her senses was filled with Joseph — everything that he was and all of the care that he took with her. The grip he had on her hand tightened as he picked up his pace, fucking her hard, his hips snapping against hers again and again. Juli let out an honest moan for him and squeezed his hand right back, never once pulling her eyes from his face. He looked so fucking handsome in his focus and arousal. Beads of sweat dripped from his hair and the tip of his nose, falling onto her chest and neck, and she was shocked to find how ecstatic she was to have another piece of him to claim as her own.

God, how had she lived without this?

Joseph leaned down and brushed his lips against hers in a crude half-kiss before letting out a pitiful whimpering moan of his own. The sound of his voice made Juli finally notice the pressure building up inside of her, taking over her whole body and touching at the back of her eyes. She tightened her fist in Joseph's hair, feeling it damp with sweat, and gave it another rough tug. He groaned softly in approval and turned his face slightly in order to drag his teeth along the back of her jaw.

It didn't take long after that. Joseph's breathing quickly became ragged and uneven, and every little leaked betrayal of his voice came as more and more of a thrill each time Juli heard it. She was drunk on him — on his touch, his breath, his kiss — hypnotized by the hard slap of skin against skin as he drove himself all the way inside of her again and again and again.

She heard herself moaning again before she felt the rest of her body catch up. It was such a strange, foreign feeling for her, and she barely even recognized that she was actually about to come. Something inside of her snapped, and it sent a shiver coursing through her, white-hot and wonderful, making every one of her muscles tense and tremble. Wide-eyed, she stared at Joseph as the fire inside of her consumed her entire being — as she gasped and lost sight of herself and cried out so loud as to be deafening. His grip on her hand became a vice as he watched her intently, riding her through her orgasm while whispering tiny praises and reassurances to her. Her was here, he was with her — but she didn't understand why or how.

As the final tremors of her climax rolled away from her and she began to float back down into reality, she vaguely realized that Joseph's expression had changed. His eyes were closed and his lips parted as he took slow, deep breaths. He slowed his hips in time with Juli's breathing, and he finally let go of her hand as he pulled out of her entirely.

Two things became apparent to her in that moment: both she and Joseph had miraculously finished at the same time, but more importantly than that, _sex with a man had just resulted in her orgasm._ It was the first time ever in her life, and as they rejoined in a kiss that was impossibly sweet and tender, an unprecedented wave of sentimentality washed over her. She brought both of her hands to the sides of his face and combed her fingers through his sweat-soaked hair. The kiss she returned to him was fuller and more passionate than anything she'd ever given to anyone. A tiny contented moan escaped from his throat as she met his tongue with her own, and she parroted the sound right back to him.

The world only truly began to come back into focus when they parted ways and he rolled off of her and onto his back. Juli found herself feeling surprisingly cold without his added body heat against her, and the open air of his bedroom made her acutely aware of just how much of his sweat had made it onto her body — not to mention the mess between her legs. That was a hell of a thing in and of itself. Neither of them had had a condom on them, and she'd been honestly shocked when he seemed content to act just on her word along that she was on the pill. It was the truth, but the enormous amount of trust that went into something like this wasn't lost on her — especially when it came to someone as cautious and responsible as Joseph Oda. The pill wouldn't have protected him from catching an infection, and he'd simply acted on faith that she would tell him if he was in danger of doing so.

_And you don't deserve it,_ that ugly voice piped up in the back of her mind. _He trusts you with his life, and you don't deserve any of it. The only reason you ended up in bed with him in the first place was because of Sebastian's disappearance — which was_ your fault. _Joseph has no idea. He has no idea just how much he hates you yet. You just keep using him. How are you going to live with yourself?_

"Juli?"

Oh, shit. Had he been talking to her this whole time?

"Yeah?" she asked.

"Did you hear me?" he said. "I asked if you were alright."

"Oh," she said. "Sorry. I zoned out there for a second. I'm... feeling kind of sticky, actually."

The smile that crossed his lips was a sheepish one. "Sorry about that."

"Not your fault," she said. "Can I use your bathroom?"

"You don't even have to ask."

She didn't bother to put clothes on as she climbed out of bed and headed for the door. Hina was waiting for her on the other side, and the cat bolted into the bedroom as soon as she was able. Juli simply walked past her an headed for the bathroom, closing the door tight in case Hina had a change of heart and decided to follow her instead. There was something uncomfortable about being stared at by a cat while on the toilet on a _normal_ day — she _really_ didn't need it while she was wiping away the bodily fluids from between her legs.

The toilet was still recovering from being flushed when Juli headed over to the sink to wash her hands. She turned one knob, then the other, and the familiar white noise of water running from the tap and splashing against the porcelain sink hit her ears.

And then she stopped to cry.

Her tears took her by complete surprise; her throat swelled and her eyes stung, and before she even knew what was happening, she had to clap a hand over her mouth in order to choke back a full-fledged sob. She had no idea what she was crying about or why, but the tears escaped her eyes without her permission, and her chest shuddered with every ragged breath.

It was loneliness, she realized. A sudden, overwhelming, crippling loneliness, and a very specific brand of it, no less. It was the kind of loneliness that came from missing someone — the kind of loneliness that was accompanied by physical heartache and a sickly sweet nostalgia that stuck to her insides and weighed her entire soul down.

Joseph. She missed _Joseph_ , even though he was still just in the other room. It felt ridiculous to her once she realized it, but identifying just how stupid and irrational it was still wasn't enough to make it go away. It was almost like a pre-emptive reaction to something that hadn't even happened yet — but it was _going_ to happen, one way or the other. Mobius was going to get their hands on him. They were going to take him, an they were going to toss him into the machine, and that was going to be the end of it. Juli didn't know a whole lot about the STEM system, but as far as she had heard, there was no escaping or surviving it yet.

She nearly lost her balance under the sudden onset of guilt. Joseph wasn't supposed to mean anything to her. Neither was Sebastian. Not only had she betrayed and killed the both of them, she guaranteed that their lives were going to be complete hell until the very second it happened. Why did it take sleeping with Joseph for all of this to come crashing down on her? How fucked up were her priorities?

"I don't want this," she said aloud to her own reflection. "I don't want to do this anymore. I just want to get out."

Get out of where, though? And do what? The only reason she wanted out of this was because she was now living in the one she wanted to be in. She wanted to keep being Junior Detective Kidman, and it was the one thing she would never be able to have. She would never be promoted to Detective. She would never have a real career in policework or own a house or have any of the normalcy that she'd been craving since she was a child.

That connection she'd felt with Joseph tonight had been fake. She'd never have it for real. _That_ was why she missed him. That intimacy, that closeness — it could never amount to anything, even though it'd meant so much to her. Juli couldn't recall a time ever in her life that she'd felt so close to another human being, and there was no ignoring how badly she wanted it again. And again. Every day, for the rest of her life. Just being near him would have even been enough for her.

_He has no idea how much he hates you yet._

She sputtered and choked as she gripped the edge of the sink in an effort to steady herself. This was stupid and counterproductive and childish, and she couldn't go back and face Joseph like this. Even if their relationship had been normal and this was just any other hookup, it was still a really bad idea to come off as emotional and weepy after sleeping with someone for the first time on a whim — especially when that person was technically her boss. She splashed water on her face to avoid rubbing at her eyes and nose. If Joseph even _suspected_ she'd been crying, he was going to say something. For the first time in maybe ever, Juli couldn't think of a lie to feed him in response.

Eventually, she was able to regain her composure and properly wash her face and clean herself up from the lingering remnants of sex. Hopefully, Joseph would just assume that she was still flushed from her afterglow and wouldn't pry too far into it. She patted her face dry with a towel and took a deep breath before finally making the decision to leave the bathroom.

When she returned to the bedroom, her chest tightened again and her heart twisted into a knot. Joseph was sitting up in bed with the sheets pulled over his lap and Hina sitting atop them. Juli could hear her purring all the way from the other side of the room as Joseph scratched her behind the ear in slow, small circles. It was such an innocent moment of contentedness; none of the usual stress or worry that he normally wore could be seen on his face, and there was a certain glow about him that made him look closer to twenty than thirty — which was strange, as Juli could still remember just how old and tired he'd looked in the kitchen not two hours ago.

"Feeling better?" he asked as he looked up at her.

"Much," she lied.

She took a breath and ran a hand through her hair before joining him in bed, slipping beneath the sheets and sidling up close to him so that she could give Hina a few long strokes to her back. Hina chirped in response, and the sound of it brought a smile to Juil's lips. It tasted way better than the tears.

"I'm sure I've said this before," she said, "but thank you for taking her. Just seeing how much you care for her and how happy she is with you makes me feel so much better."

"It's funny," he said. "I never in a million years saw myself owning a cat, but now I can't imagine life without her."

Juli planted a hand on the mattress near the small of Joseph's back and rested her chin on his shoulder. Her free hand moved from Hina's spine to Joseph's forearm, caressing it gently with the tips of her fingers. It felt good to be this close to him again, to be touching him again.

"Turns out you make a great dad," she said. "Who knew?"

"Don't say that out loud," he said. "Somehow, my mother is going to hear it and call me, asking me why I haven't married you and given her grandchildren yet."

A grin split her face, and she pressed a kiss against his shoulder in order to smother a bubbling laugh. It wasn't the first time that he'd complained about his mother badgering him for grandkids. Sebastian used to tease him for it whenever the topic came up, and Juli could never quite tell how much of Joseph's annoyance at it was legitimate or how much of it was a loosely-scripted act. He turned his head to look at her and leaned back the slightest bit, and she moved as an automatic response to meet him halfway for a kiss.

It was slow and affectionate and everything that kissing your superior standing officer after sex shouldn't have been. Juli closed her eyes as she sank into it, and just for a moment, she allowed herself to pretend that this was real — that, in this false life she'd crafted, she could have really been his. They leaned back onto the bed together, and Juli settled comfortably in his arms like she belonged there, nuzzling her forehead against the crook of his neck. She'd never been held like this after sex before, but Joseph cradled her gently and kept her close. His skin was warm beneath the palm of her hand as he pressed it against his chest, and she took a few moments just to watch him breathing.

Her parents' house had never felt like home. The streets had never felt like home. Mobius had felt like _something,_ but it sure as hell wasn't this. Here, cuddled up naked with Joseph while Hina slept in his lap — _this_ felt like home. Juli closed her eyes and comforted herself with the sound of Joseph's heartbeat. She knew that everything was going to come crashing down the second she left this bed, but for now — just for now — she allowed herself to dream.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WOW sorry this took forever and a day to get posted. I wrote this chapter about six different times and couldn't find a tone for it that I liked. I wanted it to be smuttier, but I realized it just didn't fit with what I was trying to do with this story.
> 
> Of course, The Consequence is out now and we know that they weren't pulled into STEM or kidnapped by Mobius until the start of the game, which makes this fic an AU, but idrgaf. One or two more chapters left. Then I can start on my next big project, because I am still jouli trash. /o/


	4. Trust

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter titled after the song "Trust" by Megadeth.

Exactly twelve hours from the time she left Joseph's apartment, there was a knock on Juli's door. Her immediate reaction was to ignore it. Nobody ever came to see her; it wasn't like her particular lifestyle led to her having friends, and she had no real family to speak of. It was more likely that someone simply had the wrong apartment. At 11:00pm on a Saturday night, it wouldn't have surprised her if someone had gotten drunk and ended up at the wrong place. The only person that she could even think might come visit her was Joseph, but he would've called first... wouldn't he?

She decided not to worry about it for now. If it was really that important, the person trying to get her attention would announce themselves. Letting out a tired sigh, Juli sank down a little further into the couch and allowed herself to become hypnotized by the TV. She wasn't really watching it – she never really did – but it was easier for her to zone out and ignore the world when she had something to pretend to focus on. The volume was down low enough that the content of whatever talk show was flickering across her screen wouldn't disrupt or distract her, and the general lack of motion that came from watching a guy sit at a desk and talk into a camera was uninteresting enough for her not to care.

Any other person her age probably would've been doing more with their Saturday night, but not her. Never her. Never Juli Kidman, Junior Detective for the KCPD and novice Mobius Agent – not since landing a real job, or whatever it was that Mobius actually passed for. It seemed like so long ago now that she couldn't differentiate weekdays from weekends and never really had much of a reason to. All that mattered were days and nights. Days had mostly been for sleeping, back then. Nights were when the parties happened – if they could even be called that. More like a bunch of junkies sitting in a room drinking beer and shooting smack, while Juli participated in the former act and profited from the latter.

In reality, those days were only a few short months ago. It was strange how much had happened since then. Now, Juli was up at 7:00 in the morning, every morning Monday through Friday, so that she could be at work at 8:00 and punch out at 4:00. Before Joseph had offered her the absinthe, she hadn't had a drop to drink since Mobius picked her up off of the streets, and all of her old friends and customers were little more than a distant, blurry memory now. For all intents and purposes, her entire social life crumbled, and the only real human interaction she had these days happened during her work hours. It was easy to see how Joseph and Sebastian were able to get so completely entrenched in their jobs. Was this really all there was to normal life?

Well, that and sleeping with her boss on a whim. A cop, no less – Juli had fucked a _cop_. Oh, how times had changed indeed.

It was hard for her to really make sense of her feelings about what had happened. After her little breakdown in Joseph's bathroom, her spirits seemed to kick back up pretty quickly. They fucked two more times after the first, once with her on top and once where he'd taken her from behind. She'd had no idea that Joseph had that kind of stamina, just like she'd had no idea that she, herself, possessed the level of passion and enthusiasm required to _want_ to keep going that many times in the same night with the same guy. That third time had been the best one, too. She really had to hand it to him – he knew the exact angle and speed to make it feel _perfect_ , and Joseph was so attentive to her needs that she didn't know how he managed to juggle them with his own.

Though, of course, it was more than just that. After the almost awkward seriousness of that first time, the second two had been easy, light-hearted, and almost whimsical. Juli had never actually laughed in the middle of sex before last night, but Joseph managed to bring that out of her, and he had laughed right along with her. More than once, even. It was over such silly, benign shit that she couldn't even remember it now, but there still remained the fond and vivid memory of the warmth, comfort, safety, and downright fun that came with sex with Joseph.

God, that sounded so sappy. If Juli could go back in time and tell herself that she was having thoughts like this, she would've probably kicked her own ass – but it was the truth. As much as she wanted to write it off and make excuses by saying that it was because they'd both been drinking, she knew damn well that the both of them were sober far before any of that happened. It wasn't the liquor – it was _them_. Just them. Together. She didn't know what that meant.

"Ms. Kidman."

Juli jumped to attention, nearly kicking over the glass of iced tea she had on the coffee table in the process. She knew that she had locked the door, and she definitely hadn't heard the thing open – and yet, standing in the middle of her living room was her immediate superior at Mobius. The Agent was a tall blonde woman, whose name Juli never learned, and whose face Juli could never see. There was always some kind of dark shadow obscuring her features, even when she stood out in the open under the light. The Administrator, the man who stood above both of them, was the same way. Juli always suspected that it was due to that strange compound Mobius had shot her with when they first took her in, but it was hard to be sure.

"Jesus Christ, you scared the shit out of me," she said. "How did you even get in here?"

"I have a key," the woman said. "Or did you forget who gave you this apartment in the first place?"

"No, I..." Juli struggled. "I just wasn't expecting a visit, is all. Did I do something wrong?"

The Agent didn't answer at first, and the few beats of silence that followed seemed to last hours. Juli's stomach twisted itself in knots, and anxiety closed a cold fist around her heart. The longer it went on, the worse those feelings became, and it wasn't long before the sound of her pulse pounding between her ears blocked out all other possible noise. _They know._

Finally, the Agent took a seat beside her on the couch, and it was only then that Juli noticed the document folder in her gloved hands. The last time she saw one of those, her criminal record and all of the transcripts of all of her court hearings had been inside. It seemed to be Mobius's little way of showing hard evidence that they were everywhere and could see everything – just some stupid bullshit little intimidation tactic. Unfortunately, it worked. Juli held her breath as the Agent carefully unwound the cord that held the flap closed, and her heart leaped into her throat when she pulled out the contents.

"While we appreciate the care you took in informing us of your personal visit to Detective Oda," she said, "your activities there aren't exactly standard protocol within the agency."

Without another word, the Agent handed the folder's contents to Juli, who knew what they were without even having to look. She took them without question and glanced down as a reflex. No part of her was surprised by what she saw, but the sense of dread that overtook her was strong enough to burn away any nervousness or anxiety that lingered.

Of course they were photos of her having sex with Joseph. Of course they were. The first was tame enough – just a shot of her sitting in his lap, both still fully clothed as she kissed him. She didn't have the stomach to flip through the rest of them.

It was odd, though. The photograph didn't seem to have been taken through the pane of a window, but where else could Mobius have possibly seen this from? Did they have cameras set up in Joseph's apartment? If they did, then what the hell did they need her for?

"I really don't want to see these," she said.

"I didn't think so," the Agent said, "but it would be in your best interest to look through them. For your own personal edification."

The sentiment struck Juli as suspicious, but she didn't dare ask outright what that was supposed to mean; she knew better. Mobius only ever told her what she needed to know when she needed to know it. If the answers she sought weren't somewhere in these pictures, then she likely was never going to get them at all.

Steeling her nerves, she began to leaf through the stack of photos. There were more than she originally guessed, and each one grew more and more expicit and damning as time went on. What started with a kiss in Joseph's lap quickly turned into straight-up pornography. Every act they performed, every position they took was exposed and laid bare right in front of her face, with nothing left to the imagination. Though, instead of feeling sheepish or ashamed, Juli found herself strangely detached from it all, as though the girl in these pictures wasn't her and the guy she was with wasn't Joseph. The photos were just so impersonal and soulless, and if nothing else, they really showed off just how goofy sex looked when it wasn't being specifically framed and angled for a camera to be sold to other people for profit – though, she had to admit that the one of Joseph's face between her legs as she arched across the bed and buried her fingers in his hair had a nice look to it.

Behind that photo, however, there was a change of scenery. Suddenly, she wasn't looking inside of Joseph's bedroom anymore, but instead at the front door to his apartment. She continued flipping through the pile. First the door, then Joseph exiting the door, and then Joseph getting into his car. There were a few shots of him in public places after that, speaking to store owners, bank tellers, and bartenders. Juli wrinkled her brow in confusion as she looked on. It didn't come as a surprise that Mobius wold follow Joseph around town like this, but why bother showing it to her?

She flipped to the next photo.

Joseph was unconscious and strapped down onto a gurney in what was clearly the basement of Beacon Mental Hospital. Juli's lips parted in a gasp.

"You took him?" she asked, snapping her attention back up towards the Agent. "I don't understand – he didn't do anything!"

"Except for sleep with one of our agents and spend the rest of his day asking around town about his missing partner," the Agent said.

Juli's head was spinning. She'd known – and she _knew_ that she'd known – that sleeping with Joseph meant signing his death certificate, and yet she'd gone ahead and done it anyway. This was all her fault. Not only had she allowed this to happen, but she'd even pushed Joseph in the direction of finding Sebastian, however inadvertenly. She'd promised him that they'd find him. It was an empty promise built on a lie, but it'd been enough to embolden him to go looking on his own. Maybe he would've gone anyway, but Juli couldn't shake the guilt that came with thinking that she'd played a part in it. Something cold and heavy dropped into the pit of her stomach, and it sat there, obtrusive and rancid as she struggled to find words.

"You're punishing Joseph for my mistake?" she asked finally. Her voice sounded so small and weak that she almost didn't recognize it.

The Agent paused. Though Juli couldn't see her face, her body language told her well enough that she wasn't angry. This wasn't a reprimand, though Juli had no idea what other explanation there could have been for her visit.

"We've all had to make sacrifices, Ms. Kidman," the Agent said after a time. "Even I have had to watch someone I love suffer for the sake of Mobius. But I like to think that it comes at a price for a greater good. Wouldn't you agree?"

Juli took a breath and shook her head, casting her eyes downwards again.

"I've gotta admit," she said, "I'm starting to lose sight of the bigger picture, here."

"Good."

The response took her by surprise, and at first Juli wasn't sure that she'd even heard it properly. Had she misspoken somehow – had the Agent misunderstood? The other woman climbed to her feet and smoothed out the wrinkles of her suit pants before straightening her jacket. It just didn't make sense. The Administrator was always going on and on about trust and loyalty and all of that other bullshit; if she'd said something like that in front of him, he probably would've given her a harsh scolding. But not her – not the Agent...

The Agent that always spoke to her respectfully. The Agent that always referred to her as "Ms. Kidman" and not "Kid" like the Administrator always did – almost like he was holding her past over her head. The Agent that had come here of her own volition to give Juli very private photos of herself in order to arm herself with knowledge. And not just photos of her, either – photos of Joseph. Of Beacon. Of what they were doing to him.

"He..." Juli started. She didn't think she needed to elaborate on which 'he' she was referring to. "He doesn't know that you showed me this, does he?"

"Tomorrow you'll get a call to come into headquarters," the Agent said, ignoring the question entirely, "and you'll be placed on assignment. "

"Aren't I already on assignment?" she asked. Really, her assignment had been to keep tabs on any information and files that the KCPD had on Mobius; watching Sebastian and Joseph had been only a secondary objective.

"A different assignment," the Agent said. "Mobius has lost most of its control of STEM. You'll be plugged into the system, along with detectives Oda and Castellanos, in order to root out the problem."

"Oh, shit..." Juli hissed under breath. She hadn't forgotten. STEM had a ninety-nine percent death rate. She looked back up at the Agent. "Why are you telling me this? To give me a chance to escape?"

"Not quite," she said. "I'm telling you this now because you'll forget all of it once you're hooked into the machine. My hope is that you retain at least some of it subconsciously while you're in there and do the right thing, rather than what needs to be done. Having the visual aid of the photographs might help facilitate that."

"The right thing...?" Juli asked.

"Protect them," the Agent said. "Det – Sebastian. And Joseph. Keep them safe from STEM, and from each other if at all possible. Whatever the details of your assignment, they're secondary to this primary goal."

Juli didn't know what to say. It felt like so much had changed in such a small window of time, and she wasn't sure what to make of it. The Agent was telling her to disregard orders from the Administrator – to disobey them entirely if need be. It didn't make any sense. Even though the Agent had always spoken to her respectfully, she had still always been such a hard-ass. She was always so specific about rules and protocol, and she was firm in her conviction to keep Juli focused on Mobius's goals. But this... It wasn't lost on her that she'd referred to Sebastian and Joseph by first name. It was almost like the Agent knew them personally and had a huge stake in their well-being.

"Who _are_ you?" Juli asked, rising to her feet.

Once again, the Agent ignored her question.

"Get some rest, Ms. Kidman," she said. "You have a long day ahead of you tomorrow. I'll be working to keep you alive inside of STEM, so long as you hold up your end of the bargain."

That seemed to be the end of it. The Agent turned from her then and made for the door, leaving Juli feeling dumbfounded and unsatisfied with the small trickle of information that she got. She couldn't just let it hang like this. If the Agent was really serious about this – if this wasn't just some kind of stupid bullshit test of her loyalty – then Juli deserved a few more answers than this.

"Wait!" she called out. "I don't understand. Why are you doing this? Why betray Mobius? Are you –"

And then it clicked.

"Are you in love with Sebastian?"

The Agent stopped and turned back around. Juli held her breath. Maybe that had been too bold or presumptuous or out of line, but there was no taking it back now. It was the only thing that made sense to her – the only reason she could think of as to why this woman would reach out to her specifically and use any feelings she might have for Joseph as leverage for her request.

"Do you know what the most important thing in life is, Ms. Kidman?" the Agent asked.

Juli shook her head timidly. "No."

"Family," she said. "Family is the single most important thing. Not the one we're born with, necessarily, but the one we choose. The one we build on our own and hold together with pieces of ourselves. But what if one of those pieces was to suddenly shatter...?"

Suddenly, it all made sense. This had been the plan from the start. The Agent, whoever she was, had never been loyal to Mobius in the first place; it was all an act. Mobius had taken something from her – something precious – perhaps even a husband or a child. She wasn't about loyalty. She was after revenge. Juli wasn't quite sure where she fit into the whole equation, herself, but it was clear that the Agent had recruited her for this position for a reason. The older woman trusted her, at the very least. It was an oddly touching realization.

Maybe she knew and had known all along – known about Juli's desperation to find a place where she'd belong. Maybe the Agent knew that she would latch onto Sebastian and Joseph; maybe she knew that Mobius wouldn't give her the support and family she was after, but that the two detectives working the homicide desk in the KCPD were considering, compassionate, and protective enough to fill that void perfectly. Or maybe it was much simpler than that. Maybe the Agent had had a camera set up in Joseph's bathroom, too, and had heard every last pathetic moment of Juli's little breakdown and her desire to get out. Whatever the case was, she was grateful for the opportunity. Even though she would never have the life she wanted – she would never truly be Junior Detective Juli Kidman – she could at least try to do _something_ to make up for what she'd done to Joseph and Sebastian.

And that was enough, wasn't it?

"I get it," she said. "I'll do whatever I can. I'll protect them."

 _I was planning to anyway_ , she added mentally.

"I'm glad that we've come to an agreement," the Agent said. "Be ready for tomorrow. I trust that my faith in you has not been misplaced."

"It wasn't," Juli assured her.

With a nod of her head, the Agent turned on her heels and left, locking the door behind her. Too late, Juli realized that she'd left one important detail out of this conversation: Hina. If both she and Joseph were going to be hooked into STEM and probably killed, there would be no one left to take care of Hina.

 _Then I can't let us die_ , she said to herself. _No matter what happens, no matter what I do, one of us has to make it out alive._

If she had any say in it, it would be him. After everything she'd done, she owed him at least that much – and maybe, just maybe, he wouldn't hate her in the end.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow! That took way too long for me to get off of my ass and write. But here it is, the consequence (heh) of the fic's prior events.
> 
> This was originally going to be five chapters long, with chapter four focusing around Joseph becoming suspicious of Kidman and telling her that they shouldn't fool around with each other anymore, but I ultimately decided to cut it. It felt too much like fluff and melodrama, and I really didn't have anywhere to take it other than that one scene. I DEFINITELY didn't intend on sticking Myra in this story, but it just sort of... happened that way. And I'm glad it did! I'm happy with the way this turned out, with Juli and Myra working against Mobius. It gives me an idea for another story...
> 
> As always, I welcome any and all constructive criticism. Thank you so much for reading. I hope you enjoyed it!


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